Wookie Princess

 The day is finally here The next step in building the future I want When I first started I had a need to prove something I did everything alone with no ones help I still struggle with letting others help me There are some things that I need to do alone Others I'm finding I'm ok with the help I no longer feel the need to prove anything I just want my life to be my own Today I will take the first step alone Then accept the help for the next Parts of my future are so clear Others I'm still figuring out Today is my future Yesterday is my past Time to live for Today

 I both hate and love that I asked Did I do something wrong? In the past I wouldn't have asked  I would have filled in the blanks with my pain I did ask and got the right answer So why do I hate that I asked Because it left me vulnerable I am not good with that feeling I left my self open to pain and ridicule When I ask I internally braced myself for the pain Also it means I still feel like I'm not good enough I'm moving forward but a long way to go Each step gets me closer Today I asked the question I needed to ask Someday I wont assume I did something wrong One breath, thought, step, day at a time

 So much on my mind So many things moving forward I am excited and scared My life will finally be mine alone I will make my choices and live with the consequences Some are already made Others I'm struggling with So I'm focused on the positives New home to call my own New adventures with my best friend Finding my spots in my new space I'm having so much trouble waiting for it to get here Patience has never been mine So many changes in my life This year has been a roller-coaster I can't wait to see what the next brings  I'm ready to be home

I made a mistake not to long ago I listened to words instead of actions Its not the first time I have done it It probably won't be the last  I will try and remember the lesson Not make the mistake again Each time I do I remember why actions speak louder than words So I am moving on and leaving the choice out of my hands No more trying to hold on to what I want to be I will not take this on myself I communicated and apparently it made no difference So the choice is no longer mine to make I will enjoy the life I have made Its up to you if you want to be in it or not I'm no longer asking I have made my thoughts as clear as possible Its time for you to make your decision and live with the consequences I have already made mine I'm moving forward with my life  

 Crowded places make me squirm Until the music starts Then I lose my self in the beat and vocals Suddenly I'm all alone with the song I dance like no one is watching Feeling the music to my very soul I no longer feel pinned in I just want to dance and sing When the music is playing I'm in my own world Everyone else just fades away

 It is time to let go of the past I cannot live in the past pain anymore It is time to move forward into the future It time to enjoy the life I have built and am building I have learned so much about myself in the last year I let myself forget those lessons  Started feeling sorry for myself I have so much positive in my life I can let go of the past and take the lessons learned I will not make those same mistakes again I just refuse to let them hold me down I'm not longer living that life so it should not cause me pain anymore I will not let the past ruin my future Each day I choose how I go forward I choose me 

So many voices in my head on repeat You are too sensitive You are so emotional You are so needy You are to much You are not enough The sad thing is most of these are things people I loved said to me Some thinking they were helping me by making me stronger Some to deflect their own feelings of inadequacy Some because they were just trying to hurt me Then it became my inner dialogue The things that make me unique became the things I hated most So when my feelings where hurt I said nothing When I had strong feelings I pushed them down I stopped reaching out to people when I needed support I stopped voicing my thoughts and feelings and learned to just listen I tried to make myself into whatever I felt the other person wanted I started changing that last year after my world fell apart I was so exhausted trying to be what everyone else wanted me to be I made a lot of progress until the spring of this year Then a few things changed that for whatever reason sent me spiraling My touchstones wer

 Memories flood in from every direction with you everywhere Soon home will change and no memories to face other than my mind Right now though its like living with a ghost The pain is getting easier to handle  With time will probably even look back fondly Lessons learned with only one regret Things that were needed to move forward Only regret is removing the mask Learning you didn't like the face beneath Hard pill to swallow from someone you love

It was a good day today with sunshine and friends Laughter, deep talks,  and a few tears Sometimes to really see what is wrong you have to see what is right Friendships should be the safe place to be yourself Friends have ups and downs as we are human Its the friendships that are not right for you Constant little pains that chip away at you slowly Recognizing when someone doesn't see your value It is so hard to see or admit Recognizing that you are worth more Is a lesson still pending Not knowing how to be any other way  All in when not everyone deserves it I don't know if I want to change that or if I could It is part of what makes me the person I am So for now I'm not letting anyone else in Deal with all the pain pushed  down for so long Get to a place of self-love and self-value Then maybe I will be a little better at recognizing who deserves all of me  AMH

  I let you in despite how hard it is to open up You said you wanted to be there for me It seems you only want that on your schedule When its not then I am ignored I shared with you how much pain this causes me Yet a full 24 hours of intense pain waiting  As I realized how little I really mattered My mistake is thinking you actually cared I guess our friendship is only in my mind and heart I never expected anything of you beyond the friendship you claimed I asked very little of you even as a friend, honestly I need to start loving myself more and putting myself first I can no longer accept being an afterthought I truly hope that the pain you caused was not deliberate I hate to think I misjudged you that much But if you really saw and heard me you would know Either way we are not the friends I thought AMH

  Being told you have a big heart should be good Except when you wish it felt like others That every feeling was not so intense Connections to people build way to fast Feeling crushed when its not returned Try to adapt with logic to calm the noise Emotions controlling everything despite best efforts Relationships lost over the intensity Pain so strong it brings you to your knees Relationships hard to maintain Expectations to high for normal people to achieve Being broken is the only thing my heart ever gave me AMH

  It has been a truly exhausting week already. I'm sitting at my computer waiting on some code to run and wishing I could just go to sleep. The quiet is deafening when all you want to do is sleep. I turn on some music just to have some noise. The music I picked has so many memories associated with it. Flashes run through my head as it plays. Wrapped up for the first time and allowed to fly free even while incased so tight. Totally trapped yet free. Blind yet I can see so much. Sound, smells, touches all seem to explode all around me. I'm drifting and yet at peace. None of my insecurities or pain live here. I'm alive and free for the first time in so long. My brain shifts to another scene. Deep kisses that feel so right. No one seems to get that right except him. I can't seem to get close enough. Damn I have missed his touch. Not mine, never mine, but that is ok. Lessons on what a connection should feel like. Learning what it can be like when done right. One of the few I

He is sitting in a chair across from the bed.   In suit pants with his shirt open and no tie.   He has a drink in his hand and is looking over at the bed with a look on his face that you just know is trouble for the person on the other end.   I’m lying on the bed spread wide with ropes and his missing tie around my eyes.   I cannot see anything, but I can hear.   I hear the ice clink in his glass as he takes a drink. I hear his pants rustle as he shifts in the chair.   The anticipation has my heart racing.   What will he do to me.   The fear and excitement have my adrenaline pumping.   Is the anticipation worse or better than what he does to me?   My mind is only focused on him.   No other thoughts but listening for him.   I hear the ice and the clink of the glass as he sets it down.   I hear his clothes as he stands up.   His footsteps as he slowly walks across the floor to where I am laying.   All I can do is lay there in wait.   I’m breathing hard and my pussy is dripping and thro

  Little Eric   I told someone about you recently. Seems like forever since I tried to discuss what happened. It’s not because I ever forget about you. I only got one day, but I will love you forever. It’s because I blame myself. Now you are all I can think about. I still can’t open the box of memories. It just brings it all rushing back. To see your picture and the few things I have It’s so little but so much. It’s because I blame myself. I’m the reason you didn’t get to grow up. My body failed us both. My greatest wish is to hold you one more time. To tell you how much you are loved. To tell you how very sorry I am That I failed to keep you safe Because I do blame myself AMH

  One moment anger, the next tears I’m angry you didn’t let me walk away I tried to save us both this and still have you in my life Now we don’t even speak That breaks my heart more than I can say Why did you have to matter to me The feelings I wasn’t supposed to have My heart was not supposed to want you In my head I can see the way you looked at me It brings me to tears every time I felt adored when you looked at me that way Like I was the only person you saw in that moment I’m slowly getting over losing you I wish it wasn’t goodbye I wish we could have stayed friends I miss talking to you so much I won’t reach out, I cant engage again I’m not strong enough to keep my heart hard For my wellbeing I will let this be goodbye Even though it breaks my heart I know I can handle goodbye You let me get over you once before Three weeks of silence was so hard Just when I was starting to really heal you came back So, I know it will hurt for a whil

  I put the walls up and kept them strong for a long time A few dents here and there as I made my new life I just never let anyone far enough to touch the heart Tired of hurting for so long I protected them with everything I had Then he told me I was special to him He told me I was beautiful He told me he loved me He said all the things I wanted to hear for so long I know better but the walls started to crack little by little I know how easy words are to say Yet I let the cracks form over and over I even tried to run when I knew he mattered to me more than he should I ran and he chased, I ran and he told me I mattered, I ran and he told me I was special Why did he tell me I was special when I wasn't? Why did he tell me I mattered when I didn't? Why did he make me feel wanted when I wasn't? I let the walls down and exposed my battered heart It has new bruises, cuts, and cracks The walls came down and now it all hurts more than I can say I'm building th

  I often wonder why some sparkle and some don’t Why walking away from some is easy And others hold your heart. What is it that some have that make them hard to live without I often wonder what was missed with me Is my heart too much? Do I care too much? Maybe I’m just too much Or is it that I’m not enough? I have often dreamed of being special Someone that you cannot forget I haven’t found that in my life Maybe I’m not destined to have it. The shine always seems to wear off Maybe its all my pain has left me to broken Who wants a broken doll? I honestly don’t hate those that find it I just wonder if I will ever will Right now I’m not ready to find it And yet it still hurts that I haven’t AMH

    Lose yourself in the night. Dance under the full moon Let the waves carry you away. When it all becomes too much Let the peace in to find your footing.   Sometimes a moment of escape Makes the days ahead so much easier. Just a small moment of peace Can refresh the soul and heart. AMH

  I thought it was safe to let you in. You didn’t belong to me so you couldn’t hurt me.   I knew upfront you couldn’t be mine.   So, my already damaged heart was going to be just fine.   I couldn’t have been more wrong.   It just meant when I fell, I was alone.   It was supposed to be some innocent flirting and turned my world upside down.   I could talk to you about anything and nothing. I suddenly realized the life I was living was killing me.   You opened my eyes and broke my heart all at once.   So, I stepped away to deal with my feelings and my life.   Once I had healed enough, I let you back in.   Friends only at first.   I couldn’t let it be more.   Now you are one of my best friends and I love you as such.   We flirt innocently from time to time, but the relationship is different.   It is a good difference though.   You helped me take the step I needed.   You saved my life.   Who knew heartbreak could end up healing?     You would think I would learn from this lesson. NO ONE

  There has been so much of this in my life. Love Attention Feeling wanted Feeling important Just fucking mattering People don’t consider these necessities. They really are for some of us. Some of these are old wounds that never healed. Letting my broken heart make decisions for me has not helped. Trying to protect my heart led to more pain. Even worse, it led to more deprivation for me.   In trying to avoid pain I caused more of it.   The worst of it is I’m not ready to change things. So now I have deprivation of my own making. I’m worth more. I deserve more. I want more. I’m just scared to try. AMH

  I was living in a cage of my own making From the outside I had every reason to be happy No abuse or anything like that Just a lot of indifference to my needs Distractions helped numb the pain Until it just didn’t work anymore I no longer wanted to live this life The cage kept getting smaller and smaller I could escape by ending it all Or I could put myself first I could remove the locks I could live the life I have always wanted But what of the cost For me the cost was guilt Guilt for chasing my own happiness at the expense of others Is it selfish?   Is the cost worth it? For the others I left behind probably not For me I will live with the cost of chasing happy I have no regrets except not doing it sooner AMH

  My head found the clouds twice in two days Different flights but full of discovery All my broken pieces pulled tight to reform A stronger, happier, more confident version Asking for what I wanted instead of waiting Going after my dreams on my own The cracks still exist of course Much harder to penetrate than before Passion, desire, frustration Needed, wanted, desired So much overloaded my system Body registered enough Even when my brain was in flight Days I will remember for some time to come Smells and sounds will trigger memories Of flights that put my feet back on the ground AMH

  Soft gentle touches are great Make me feel special But taking me in hand Brings my woman to the front I can let go of the day and just be So many thoughts running through Want new experiences and to enjoy life Hard to let go of taught reactions Living day by day can be difficult at times I have been told no regrets is the way to go Can you really have no regrets?   I still wonder what people will think How do you get past that and just live AMH

 Shells are fragile yet strong. The smallest force can chip, but the ocean forms those chipped shells into something new and no less beautiful.   Life may crack you but the over all flow of your life forms you.  Don’t focus on the small cracks.

  Today was not a good day At times the sadness overwhelmed me I was able to push it away in short bursts of happiness Pretending the smile on my face was real When I let my mind wander, those smiles turned to tears Nothing wrong today just a day to feel sad Maybe I was due a sad day to put happy ones in perspective Maybe I am just human and get sad from time to time But sad today is ok from time to time Just as long as today doesn’t become tomorrow Or the week, month, year For today only I am allowed to be sad To allow out the pain I keep buried deep inside But only today.   AMH  

  Emotional nightmares holding me down Years of pain coming to a head Despair, anger, loneliness, fear Unwanted, unneeded, unappreciated Escape to a virtual world where at least I can feel alive Finally getting some of the attention I so much desire Realizing this is fantasy and I need to step away Breaking my heart by putting up a wall to save my soul The tears were as endless as the pain The day I realized I was in to much pain to go on The day I decided to put me first Making the calls to get the help I needed was beyond difficult Realizing my own happiness would require me to be selfish for the first time So much anger coming my way from so many different directions Keeping my chin up through it all Mistakes so many mistakes trying to find my way Life on constant hold waiting for the new life to begin New beginnings are so tough and often lonely Settling into my new home calmed the crazy for a bit Then the bird needed to fly Experience it all