Broken Hearts

 I thought it was safe to let you in. You didn’t belong to me so you couldn’t hurt me.  I knew upfront you couldn’t be mine.  So, my already damaged heart was going to be just fine.  I couldn’t have been more wrong.  It just meant when I fell, I was alone.  It was supposed to be some innocent flirting and turned my world upside down.  I could talk to you about anything and nothing. I suddenly realized the life I was living was killing me.  You opened my eyes and broke my heart all at once.  So, I stepped away to deal with my feelings and my life.  Once I had healed enough, I let you back in.  Friends only at first.  I couldn’t let it be more.  Now you are one of my best friends and I love you as such.  We flirt innocently from time to time, but the relationship is different.  It is a good difference though.  You helped me take the step I needed.  You saved my life.  Who knew heartbreak could end up healing? 

 You would think I would learn from this lesson. NO ONE is safe enough to let those walls down when you are trying to heal.  Yet I went down the road again.  How was I to know we would have so much in common?  How was I to know that a kiss could turn you inside out? That a friendship could end up meaning so much?  That I would miss you oh so much more than you ever would me?  You were kind and hurtful all at once.  Would it have been better if you had just told me you didn’t care?  I guess you did by showing me, but sometimes words hurt less.  I left to escape not being important and walked right back into it again.  So I’m shoring up those walls again.  I’m putting tape on the wounds I gave myself.  Filling the empty spaces, you left behind when you walked away.  No longer trying to pull you back in or hoping that somehow you feel the same way.  You made it clear that is not the case.  I won’t chase a broken heart. Who knew friendship could break your heart too. You would ask me what I learned from the experience.  So, what did I learn?

I learned a little of what I want from my next real relationship.  I want a friend that I can lay in their arms and just talk about everything and nothing.  I want to feel their kiss with everything I am.  I want freedom to be who I am without judgement or conditions.  I want acceptance.  I want to matter as much to them as they do to me.  I want the relationships I had with both of you but more.  I don’t want to be alone in my feelings. Each of you told me I deserve so much more than you can offer.  You are right, I do, I’m just not ready yet. Maybe I will never find what I want.  I just know I will be ready to look one day.  I have you both to thank for showing me what right looks like for me.  With the lessons learned I do not regret the pain.  The lessons were far too valuable for me. 

AMH