Soul Searching

So many voices in my head on repeat

You are too sensitive

You are so emotional

You are so needy

You are to much

You are not enough

The sad thing is most of these are things people I loved said to me

Some thinking they were helping me by making me stronger

Some to deflect their own feelings of inadequacy

Some because they were just trying to hurt me

Then it became my inner dialogue

The things that make me unique became the things I hated most

So when my feelings where hurt I said nothing

When I had strong feelings I pushed them down

I stopped reaching out to people when I needed support

I stopped voicing my thoughts and feelings and learned to just listen

I tried to make myself into whatever I felt the other person wanted

I started changing that last year after my world fell apart

I was so exhausted trying to be what everyone else wanted me to be

I made a lot of progress until the spring of this year

Then a few things changed that for whatever reason sent me spiraling

My touchstones were no longer right next door

The ones that I went to when I needed to calm the noise

Someone came into my life that made me feel special 

Then I realized it was all just a lie

My divorce finalized and that was the final straw

All the emotions I hadn't realized I was still stuffing down came rushing out

People entered my life that didn't approve of my choices

Made me again wonder is there something wrong with me?

I withdrew from my new life and hid for a bit

Old habits starting coming back and I didn't even notice

I muted my voice again and went back into others boxes

I didn't realize how bad until I failed to have a conversation that was needed

I was hurt and confused but when I look back over the last few months I saw

I wasn't telling myself or anyone else the truth

I was putting a smile on my face and pretending I was ok

Even when I said I wasn't ok,  I downplayed the pain or deflected

Now I'm at a point that I can continue down this road of self-destruction

Or I can stop and accept the person I am

I can start loving all the things about me that make me unique

I can only let people in my life that accept the person I am

People are different and I don't expect the people in my life to want my life

I need to work on not expecting them to react the same way I do to things

Not everyone feels things the way I do or processes like I do

I can't expect people to accept me if  I don't accept them

It doesn't mean I cannot set boundaries 

It doesn't mean I will like or get along with everyone

It doesn't mean when a relationship is hurting me I can't walk away

It just means I need to talk about things so I find that common ground

Have those hard conversations I avoid so much

I have friends that are so different from me but love and accept me

I love and accept them too

That is what I need in my life right now

The most important thing though is working on loving and accepting myself

A healthy relationship with myself is needed before I can have one with others