Wookie Princess

Past pain holding me back, preventing me from moving forward. Trying to break those chains, to fly free into the future. So hard to break away. So hard to let go. So afraid of hurting again. What my heart craves, what my heart wants, seems impossible— improbable. A broken dragon with chained wings, desperately wanting to fly again.

Love so loud it eclipses all. Pain so deep it cracks your soul. Two sides of the same love. Can the love survive? The lack of trust? Can the wounds be healed? The thought of living without the love breaks a part unknown. Continuing as is unfathomable. Where is the line in the sand? When is it too much? When does the waiting stop? Will the love survive the transition? So many unanswered questions. So many things to overcome. But the thought of not trying, of never seeing what might be, leaves what if shouting from beyond. So we continue, rushing toward an unknown conclusion, desperately hoping it all falls into place. Hoping all the waiting was worth the pain.

My heart beats your name. My mind won’t let you go. My soul reaches for yours. My body craves yours. I never expected to find my one— my life, my love, my everything. My Teddy Bear.

Everything you hate about me makes me, me. I have a big heart. I have strong emotions. I cry. I hurt. But I also love. I will be the best friend you ever had. But to have that, you have to let me be me. That means tears as well as smiles. What makes you uncomfortable is still part of me. I won’t defend it anymore. Love all of me, or walk away.

 A ghost of my former self Broken but fighting  Trying to find my way back Heart shattered  Worth damaged People care Trying to let them know  I appreciate them Trust in myself gone Finding it hard not to isolate  Finding it hard to be me Is she gone forever

 My life is a bit of a mess Not sure how to put all the pieces back together  Taking my fathers path to keep going I know how that ends I have support but I have to fix it My job is no more I love what I can’t have Escape seems so easy But it’s all just waiting there My pain. My fear, my love Each night I lay down and the tears slip out Scared I will fail putting it all back together  Scared I won’t move on The fear and pain are so overwhelming  Do you blame me for needing to forget a bit Maybe you should Because it’s a path of no return  Worse is down that road than I’m going through now I’m trying, but it’s hard I’m living but a day at a time I’m surviving  because it’s what I do I’m smiling, because I’m a chameleon I will not break, because I refuse too 

 I wasn’t supposed to love you You were my friend  The person I could tell anything  We were wrong for more Then one night I was shattered Someone took my control  You were there every step of the way Giving me everything I needed I realized you were not just a friend  You were my best friend  As time went on the physical healed  Mostly thanks to you The emotional will take so much more Before long you became more I didn’t just love my friend  I was in love with someone who didn’t feel the same I wasn’t supposed to love you You were always special to me I always cared more than you Now it was so much worse It was slowly tearing me apart I was already broken If I continued loving what I couldn’t have I would never come back I had to let you go Putting up that boundary hurt more than you can imagine  My heart is in pieces  So easy for you to let me go So now I’m picking up all my broken pieces  So easy for you to let me go A heart so ...

  The me of yesterday is gone Unequivocally changed in one night The me of today is broken  Not what I want for my future   The me of tomorrow is uncertain   Not sure of my path forward   All of the versions are colliding   Making it hard to be certain  If I can find the me I want

 What if's clouding my brain What if I fail? What if it all comes crashing down? What if life never works out? What if it was all one big mistake? But What if I succeed? What if its better than I ever expected? What if I finally get to experience everything life has to offer?  What if I get everything I ever wanted? It's time to change the narrative

 Dark clouds rambling in my head Trying to push back the tide  In this storm of my own making I wish I knew how to stop I wish I knew why my brain is different There is comfort that its not as bad That I can see rays through the clouds Once upon a time I couldn't Taking the steps to make it better Knowing I can make it better I will push through the storm Find my happy again

One day I  realized I was only your friend, sorta Sorta friends shouldn't care right Sorta friends should live their own life  Sorta friends shouldn't feel rejected Sorta friends don't matter at the end of the day Sorta friends just pass through your life If only you were sorta a friend to me too

I said goodbye to you Babe My heart was broken and you were part of that I did a lot of healing and growing Didn't let anyone in but my friends Then I was ready to try again This time without all the pain I wanted more than I did before Still not traditional but I wasn't scared to feel again I met someone that reminded me of you I missed you so damn much and broke my rule I reached out one night after my defenses were low I knew it was a mistake but I did it anyway again and again I let you back in to my life knowing how badly it went last time I no longer kept my mouth shut and told you exactly what I expected You backed off immediately when I showed you my true self You know longer wanted to see me but still keep me in your life I tried to walk away again but you wouldn't allow it I'm not sure why you want me around as its clear you don't like the true me It didn't take long to realize it would never be the same again I no longer trust you with my heart  You n...

 The day is finally here The next step in building the future I want When I first started I had a need to prove something I did everything alone with no ones help I still struggle with letting others help me There are some things that I need to do alone Others I'm finding I'm ok with the help I no longer feel the need to prove anything I just want my life to be my own Today I will take the first step alone Then accept the help for the next Parts of my future are so clear Others I'm still figuring out Today is my future Yesterday is my past Time to live for Today

 I both hate and love that I asked Did I do something wrong? In the past I wouldn't have asked  I would have filled in the blanks with my pain I did ask and got the right answer So why do I hate that I asked Because it left me vulnerable I am not good with that feeling I left my self open to pain and ridicule When I ask I internally braced myself for the pain Also it means I still feel like I'm not good enough I'm moving forward but a long way to go Each step gets me closer Today I asked the question I needed to ask Someday I wont assume I did something wrong One breath, thought, step, day at a time

 So much on my mind So many things moving forward I am excited and scared My life will finally be mine alone I will make my choices and live with the consequences Some are already made Others I'm struggling with So I'm focused on the positives New home to call my own New adventures with my best friend Finding my spots in my new space I'm having so much trouble waiting for it to get here Patience has never been mine So many changes in my life This year has been a roller-coaster I can't wait to see what the next brings  I'm ready to be home

I made a mistake not to long ago I listened to words instead of actions Its not the first time I have done it It probably won't be the last  I will try and remember the lesson Not make the mistake again Each time I do I remember why actions speak louder than words So I am moving on and leaving the choice out of my hands No more trying to hold on to what I want to be I will not take this on myself I communicated and apparently it made no difference So the choice is no longer mine to make I will enjoy the life I have made Its up to you if you want to be in it or not I'm no longer asking I have made my thoughts as clear as possible Its time for you to make your decision and live with the consequences I have already made mine I'm moving forward with my life  

 Crowded places make me squirm Until the music starts Then I lose my self in the beat and vocals Suddenly I'm all alone with the song I dance like no one is watching Feeling the music to my very soul I no longer feel pinned in I just want to dance and sing When the music is playing I'm in my own world Everyone else just fades away

 It is time to let go of the past I cannot live in the past pain anymore It is time to move forward into the future It’s time to enjoy the life I have built and am building I have learned so much about myself in the last year I let myself forget those lessons  Started feeling sorry for myself I have so much positive in my life I can let go of the past and take the lessons learned I will not make those same mistakes again I just refuse to let them hold me down I'm no longer living that life so it should not cause me pain anymore I will not let the past ruin my future Each day I choose how I go forward I choose me 

So many voices in my head on repeat You are too sensitive You are so emotional You are so needy You are to much You are not enough The sad thing is most of these are things people I loved said to me Some thinking they were helping me by making me stronger Some to deflect their own feelings of inadequacy Some because they were just trying to hurt me Then it became my inner dialogue The things that make me unique became the things I hated most So when my feelings where hurt I said nothing When I had strong feelings I pushed them down I stopped reaching out to people when I needed support I stopped voicing my thoughts and feelings and learned to just listen I tried to make myself into whatever I felt the other person wanted I started changing that last year after my world fell apart I was so exhausted trying to be what everyone else wanted me to be I made a lot of progress until the spring of this year Then a few things changed that for whatever reason sent me spiraling My touchstones wer...

 Memories flood in from every direction with you everywhere Soon home will change and no memories to face other than my mind Right now though its like living with a ghost The pain is getting easier to handle  With time will probably even look back fondly Lessons learned with only one regret Things that were needed to move forward Only regret is removing the mask Learning you didn't like the face beneath Hard pill to swallow from someone you love