Wookie Princess

 The day is finally here The next step in building the future I want When I first started I had a need to prove something I did everything alone with no ones help I still struggle with letting others help me There are some things that I need to do alone Others I'm finding I'm ok with the help I no longer feel the need to prove anything I just want my life to be my own Today I will take the first step alone Then accept the help for the next Parts of my future are so clear Others I'm still figuring out Today is my future Yesterday is my past Time to live for Today

 I both hate and love that I asked Did I do something wrong? In the past I wouldn't have asked  I would have filled in the blanks with my pain I did ask and got the right answer So why do I hate that I asked Because it left me vulnerable I am not good with that feeling I left my self open to pain and ridicule When I ask I internally braced myself for the pain Also it means I still feel like I'm not good enough I'm moving forward but a long way to go Each step gets me closer Today I asked the question I needed to ask Someday I wont assume I did something wrong One breath, thought, step, day at a time

 So much on my mind So many things moving forward I am excited and scared My life will finally be mine alone I will make my choices and live with the consequences Some are already made Others I'm struggling with So I'm focused on the positives New home to call my own New adventures with my best friend Finding my spots in my new space I'm having so much trouble waiting for it to get here Patience has never been mine So many changes in my life This year has been a roller-coaster I can't wait to see what the next brings  I'm ready to be home

I made a mistake not to long ago I listened to words instead of actions Its not the first time I have done it It probably won't be the last  I will try and remember the lesson Not make the mistake again Each time I do I remember why actions speak louder than words So I am moving on and leaving the choice out of my hands No more trying to hold on to what I want to be I will not take this on myself I communicated and apparently it made no difference So the choice is no longer mine to make I will enjoy the life I have made Its up to you if you want to be in it or not I'm no longer asking I have made my thoughts as clear as possible Its time for you to make your decision and live with the consequences I have already made mine I'm moving forward with my life  

 Crowded places make me squirm Until the music starts Then I lose my self in the beat and vocals Suddenly I'm all alone with the song I dance like no one is watching Feeling the music to my very soul I no longer feel pinned in I just want to dance and sing When the music is playing I'm in my own world Everyone else just fades away

 It is time to let go of the past I cannot live in the past pain anymore It is time to move forward into the future It’s time to enjoy the life I have built and am building I have learned so much about myself in the last year I let myself forget those lessons  Started feeling sorry for myself I have so much positive in my life I can let go of the past and take the lessons learned I will not make those same mistakes again I just refuse to let them hold me down I'm not longer living that life so it should not cause me pain anymore I will not let the past ruin my future Each day I choose how I go forward I choose me 

So many voices in my head on repeat You are too sensitive You are so emotional You are so needy You are to much You are not enough The sad thing is most of these are things people I loved said to me Some thinking they were helping me by making me stronger Some to deflect their own feelings of inadequacy Some because they were just trying to hurt me Then it became my inner dialogue The things that make me unique became the things I hated most So when my feelings where hurt I said nothing When I had strong feelings I pushed them down I stopped reaching out to people when I needed support I stopped voicing my thoughts and feelings and learned to just listen I tried to make myself into whatever I felt the other person wanted I started changing that last year after my world fell apart I was so exhausted trying to be what everyone else wanted me to be I made a lot of progress until the spring of this year Then a few things changed that for whatever reason sent me spiraling My touchstones wer...

 Memories flood in from every direction with you everywhere Soon home will change and no memories to face other than my mind Right now though its like living with a ghost The pain is getting easier to handle  With time will probably even look back fondly Lessons learned with only one regret Things that were needed to move forward Only regret is removing the mask Learning you didn't like the face beneath Hard pill to swallow from someone you love

It was a good day today with sunshine and friends Laughter, deep talks,  and a few tears Sometimes to really see what is wrong you have to see what is right Friendships should be the safe place to be yourself Friends have ups and downs as we are human Its the friendships that are not right for you Constant little pains that chip away at you slowly Recognizing when someone doesn't see your value It is so hard to see or admit Recognizing that you are worth more Is a lesson still pending Not knowing how to be any other way  All in when not everyone deserves it I don't know if I want to change that or if I could It is part of what makes me the person I am So for now I'm not letting anyone else in Deal with all the pain pushed  down for so long Get to a place of self-love and self-value Then maybe I will be a little better at recognizing who deserves all of me  AMH

  I let you in despite how hard it is to open up You said you wanted to be there for me It seems you only want that on your schedule When its not then I am ignored I shared with you how much pain this causes me Yet a full 24 hours of intense pain waiting  As I realized how little I really mattered My mistake is thinking you actually cared I guess our friendship is only in my mind and heart I never expected anything of you beyond the friendship you claimed I asked very little of you even as a friend, honestly I need to start loving myself more and putting myself first I can no longer accept being an afterthought I truly hope that the pain you caused was not deliberate I hate to think I misjudged you that much But if you really saw and heard me you would know Either way we are not the friends I thought AMH

  Being told you have a big heart should be good Except when you wish it felt like others That every feeling was not so intense Connections to people build way to fast Feeling crushed when its not returned Try to adapt with logic to calm the noise Emotions controlling everything despite best efforts Relationships lost over the intensity Pain so strong it brings you to your knees Relationships hard to maintain Expectations to high for normal people to achieve Being broken is the only thing my heart ever gave me AMH

  It has been a truly exhausting week already. I'm sitting at my computer waiting on some code to run and wishing I could just go to sleep. The quiet is deafening when all you want to do is sleep. I turn on some music just to have some noise. The music I picked has so many memories associated with it. Flashes run through my head as it plays. Wrapped up for the first time and allowed to fly free even while incased so tight. Totally trapped yet free. Blind yet I can see so much. Sound, smells, touches all seem to explode all around me. I'm drifting and yet at peace. None of my insecurities or pain live here. I'm alive and free for the first time in so long. My brain shifts to another scene. Deep kisses that feel so right. No one seems to get that right except him. I can't seem to get close enough. Damn I have missed his touch. Not mine, never mine, but that is ok. Lessons on what a connection should feel like. Learning what it can be like when done right. One of the few I...